Insecurities

So, lately I really haven't been feeling very much like myself.  As I sat back one day and evaluated my life, I realized I'm not really the person I used to be when I was working.  I used to be fun, outgoing, and such a social butterfly.  Now that I stay home with Thomas during the week I have grown to like being that way.  I like being at home.  I like just hanging out with him all day.  But it has made me such an introvert.  I never want to go out.  I never want to do anything.  I live my life in t-shirts and sweats and I don't even want to run to the grocery store for fear I might have to put make-up on.  I have realized that the introverted person I have turned into, I don't like so much.  I miss being social, having friends, doing things, dressing up... The list goes on and on.
So, I took a leap of faith and nominated myself to be the hospitality person on the PTO at Trinity's school.  It seemed like a good idea at the time.  I want to be more involved in the school.  I want to have more friends and this just seemed like a good way to dive back into things.  But now, my anxiety has set in.
I received a phone call yesterday from someone on the PTO board telling me that there's another lady interested in the same position I'm interested in.  Immediately my competitive side set in.  Who could be more qualified than me??  I have years of hotel experience and customer service!  My mom has taught at the school for over 15 years and most of the teachers and staff know who I am.  Then...my insecurities set in.  The lady begins to explain to me that there will be a vote.  Which I was fine with when I thought it would just be the PTO Board that would vote.  OH NO!!!  They will send a survey out to the ENTIRE SCHOOL and have them vote.  All of a sudden I flash back to high school.  I hear all the cool kids laughing at the thought that I would even try to compete at this.  All I want to do now is quit.  This is a losing battle for Homecoming Queen all over again!!!  I feel like I've already lost and I don't even know who I'm going up against.  I've gone from excitement and visualizing myself being THE BEST hospitality mom EVER to complete and total terror.
I HATE THIS!!!  I hate feeling this way!  I hate being so insecure in myself.  This is not who I am.  This is not who I want to be.  Even when I was in high school I thought I was so awesome and everyone else failed to see it.  Now, in the real world, I just so desperately want to be one of the "cool moms" that goes inside to drop her kid off at school every morning just so she can chat with her other "cool mom" friends.  This may all sound absurd to some of you but it's so real to me.  I don't know what to do.  Tonight I have to go to the PTO meeting and stand up in front of everybody so they can get a good look at me and decide if they want to vote for me.  I am scared out of my mind!!
I guess all I can do is pray.  If God has this in the cards of the deck that is my life, it will happen.  But sometimes it is just so hard not to let the fear take over and paralyze me.

Thanks for listening!

Memorial Service

On March 29th of this year my friend Chris said goodbye to his father as he left this world and went to be with Jesus.  I attended the memorial service this past Tuesday and it was beautiful and very eye opening for me.  Listening to 2 grown men and one grown woman share the childhood memories of there father made me realize something.  As my children get older they won't remember our financial stress, what kind of car I drove, where I worked, or how much money I made.  My children will remember me teaching them how to ride their bike, going on nature walks, baking cookies, me chaperoning their field trips, and being there for every school performance.  Going to Ken's memorial service made me realize I want to be a better mother.  I'm not saying I think I'm terrible at being a mother because it is absolutely what I love most about my life.  I'm saying I need to quit yelling at my children for wanting Mickey Mouse pancakes instead of plain ones.  I need to take time to stop and smell the flowers with them.  Genius people invented the DVR so I can record "my shows" and go play outside.  Ever since I had a heartfelt conversation with my daughter on Monday night I have been praying that God would make me a better mother.  God, please make me more patient, understanding, and child like again.  He has already blessed me with those things and all I had to do is ask.  I've noticed I'm talking to my children more calmly and I am being more understanding.  Even though Thomas has started his 3 year old meltdowns because we don't have goldfish to snack on, I think I'm taking it more lightly than I would have before I asked God for help.  It's funny how one day can put your whole life into perspective. 

 Chris, I'm sorry your father passed away and I'm sorry I never made him.  But from what I heard about him on Tuesday he reminded me so much of my father.  I'm glad your father lived the life that he did so he could teach me how to live mine.

Love,

Angi

Welcome to My Life

Hello!

My name is Angi and I've gotten a wild hair and decided to start a blog.  I have a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head and thought it would be fun to put them out there for the world to read.  Don't ask me why I thought this would be a good idea...I just did!  My life is a hot mess and you'd really have to see it to believe it.  Just a warning...reading this blog will give you the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I know there has to be other women out there that have the same experiences I do and we all probably feel alone.  So I just want you all to know you are not!

So, I guess we will start by letting you all get to know me just a little.  I am a 28 year old wife and mother.  I stay at home with my son, Thomas, who just turned 3, and I'm an Independent Scentsy Consultant.  I also have a daughter, Trinity, who will be 7 in May and is in the 1st grade at a private, Catholic school.  My wonderful husband, Doug, is wonderful for many reasons but mostly because he puts up with my craziness!I am a woman who loves God, my family, my friends, and Scentsy!  I dedicate myself wholeheartedly to anything I commit to and I expect others to do that same.  I have many quirks and pet peeves and quite often do not claim to be perfect.  I am only human so forgive me in the future if I might say anything to offend you.  It will not be intentional.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and I don't hide my feelings well.

I want to thank you all in advance for joining me on this crazy ride and we shall all see where it goes together.

Love,

Angi